Alfred and Arthur - A Play
by Otoshigo
Summary: By some weird chance of fate, America and England have become trapped in the Bard's plays! Can they escape? Will they ever make it home? Will America ever be able to stop speaking the Queen's English? (Play Format)
1. Romeo and Juliet

**Alfred and Arthur**

**ACT 1**

**Prologue**

America and England wast one day residing at America's home, enjoying one another's company. However, a strange light surround'd those folk and stole those folk hence from the younger man's home to a place strange and far from the ordinary those gents kneweth.

**SCENE I. A White Room.**

_Enter ALFRED and ARTHUR, from a hole in the ground, clothes ripped._

**ALFRED**

The hell just betid? Whence art we?

**ARTHUR**

Just betid? Whence art we?

Mine dear sirrah, why dost thou speaketh in such a manner?

**ALFRED**

Nay, I am not! Ye are the one who speaketh in that manner!

_ALFRED and ARTHUR freeze._

England, why dost I speaketh as thou!

**ARTHUR**

I taketh offense to that!

This is the tongue of mine Golden Age!

I has't not spoken thus in ages!

Something hath spelled us to speaketh in such a manner, clearly.

Now, bethink clearly. What wast we doing ere we cameth to this white cell?

**ALFRED**

_[Pokes a white wall] _I knoweth not.

All we we didst wast playeth video games.

Then some bright light shone below and tooketh us hither.

**ARTHUR**

America, wast thy alien "friend" in residence, perchance?

**ALFRED**

Nev'r would Tony doth this!

I bite mine thumb at thee, fusty sir!

**ARTHUR**

Knave!

_They fight._

Cease! We go nowhere with this.

We needeth to figure out whither we art.

**ALFRED**

Easy for thee to sayeth.

I cannot see anything besides all these white walls.

_A door opens in the white room._

**ARTHUR**

Wait! I see a door thither.

Come, we shalt try to wend through 't.

**ALFRED**

I wonder if tis a dream of Wonderland and Alice?

**ARTHUR**

Quiet. We depart.

_Exeunt._

**SCENE II. Verona. A public place.**

_Enter ALFRED and ARTHUR, dressed in Verona fashion._

**ALFRED**

The hell just betid?!

**ARTHUR**

...Tis not fair tidings.

Is the door thither still?

**ALFRED**

Nay, tis gone.

What hath happened to mine robes?

Mine leather jacket is gone!

't better has't not disappeared!

**ARTHUR**

Quiet! We has't larger troubles on our hands.

Methinks I recognize this land. Tis Italy.

**ALFRED**

Italy? Tis no Italy I know.

Unless we art in a Renaissance Faire?

**ARTHUR**

Nay, I doubt tis a Faire.

Though if 't be true, tis more authentic than I care for.

The odour alone speaketh for itself.

**ALFRED**

Perchance we can asketh whither we art.

_Enter Verona noble._

Sirrah! Doth thee know what land we stand upon?

**VERONA NOBLE**

Wherefore, sirs, thee art in the most wondrous city of Verona!

**ARTHUR**

_[To himself]_ Tis unfortunate tidings.

**VERONA NOBLE**

Art thee lost, sirs?

I knoweth not thine faces.

Art thee visitors from afar?

**ARTHUR**

_[Before ALFRED can speak] _Aye. We come from merry England.

I wonder, sirrah, if thither is passage to Venice?

**VERONA NOBLE**

Aye, there is a coach heading thither this late day, stopping first in Padua.

There may beest room.

**ARTHUR**

Within this wall of flesh, there is a soul that counts thee its creditor kindly, sirrah.

Allow us to taketh our leave.

_Exit VERONA NOBLE_

**ALFRED**

I am not borne of England.

**ARTHUR**

I _know that_, thee no more brain than stone, boy.

We must leaveth hither apace.

**ALFRED**

England, why art thou in such a state?

Thy complexion is as milky as a ghost.

**ARTHUR**

Calleth me Arthur.

And hath 't not occurred to thee that tis strange that a person spake the Queen's English in the middle of Verona?

**ALFRED**

I suppose tis strange.

Unless tis a dream and a strange one.

_ARTHUR slaps ALFRED._

Fie! How didst I deserve such treatment?!

**ARTHUR**

To prove tis not a dream.

Forsooth, tis a nightmare.

I believe that we art trapped in the visions of the Bard of Avon.

**ALFRED**

Who?

**ARTHUR**

Shakespeare, fool!

Has't thou nev'r read Romeo and Juliet!

**ALFRED**

Readeth, no.

Gazed the movie, aye.

**ARTHUR**

Then we art in _that _Verona.

**ALFRED**

_[Shocked] No_...

**ARTHUR**

Aye! Behold, hither cometh Sampson and Gregory now!

_Enter SAMPSON and GREGORY, of the house of Capulet, armed with swords and bucklers_

**SAMPSON**

Gregory, o' my word, we'll not carry coals.

**GREGORY**

No, for then we should be colliers.

**SAMPSON**

I mean, an we be in choler, we'll draw.

**GREGORY**

Ay, while you live, draw your neck out o' the collar.

**ALFRED**

_[Aside to ARTHUR]_ Mine God, those gents maketh less sense than thee.

**ARTHUR**

Thee truly art an ignorant soul.

In any case, we must depart.

Lest we become swept in the tide of events.

_Exeunt_

**SCENE III. Capulet's orchard**

_Enter ROMEO_

**ROMEO**

He jests at scars that never felt a wound.

_JULIET appears above at a window_

But, soft! what light through yonder window breaks?

It is the east, and Juliet is the sun.

Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon,

Who is already sick and pale with grief,

That thou her maid art far more fair than she:

Be not her maid, since she is envious;

Her vestal livery is but sick and green

And none but fools do wear it; cast it off.

It is my lady, O, it is my love!

O, that she knew she were!

She speaks yet she says nothing: what of that?

_ALFRED and ARTHUR enter off to the side, hiding behind a bush._

Her eye discourses; I will answer it.

I am too bold, 'tis not to me she speaks:

Two of the fairest stars in all the heaven,

Having some business, do entreat her eyes

To twinkle in their spheres till they return.

What if her eyes were there, they in her head?

The brightness of her cheek would shame those stars,

As daylight doth a lamp; her eyes in heaven

Would through the airy region stream so bright

That birds would sing and think it were not night.

See, how she leans her cheek upon her hand!

O, that I were a glove upon that hand,

That I might touch that cheek!

**JULIET**

Ay me!

**ALFRED**

Oh hell!

**ROMEO**

Who goeth thither! Cometh into the light else I strike thee with mine sword!

_ALFRED and ARTHUR come out from behind the bushes, raising their hands._

**ALFRED**

We come in peace.

**ARTHUR**

Husht, Alfred.

Mine lief Romeo, we only came hither by chance.

If thee permit us to leave, we shalt say nothing of this.

We wast only seeking the coach to Venice.

**ROMEO**

_[Raises his sword] _How doth thee know mine name?

Tell me, art thee agents of the House Capulet? Montague? Speak!

**ALFRED**

Neither! I am American. Knoweth thee? The New World?

**ARTHUR**

Alfred, husht! Nay, I am not of either house, fair sir.

I am merely acquainted with thy tale.

Tis a strange thing to heareth, true, but tis true indeed.

I doth not wish to hinder thy affections with thy lady love.

So please fall back to thine speech.

**ALFRED**

_[Aside to ARTHUR]_ Arthur, should we not telleth those folk?

**ARTHUR**

Nay! Still thy tongue!

**ALFRED**

_[Loudly to the couple] _Romeo and Juliet!

If thee be true to thy course, thou shalt meet a very unhappy fate.

I pray thee, cease now, while thee both still live.

**ARTHUR**

Alfred, what art thee doing?!

**ALFRED**

Saving their lives.

**ROMEO**

I would die for mine Juliet!

**JULIET**

And I for mine Romeo!

**ALFRED**

Tis mine point! Thou art both too young beest getting married, besides!

Mine inner eye is scarred from gazing upon thee whilst thee has't relations on screen!

_ROMEO and JULIET stare in horror._

**ARTHUR**

Methinks we hadst best leave.

Thou has't done enough damage already.

We take our leave. Good night.

_Exeunt._

**SCENE IV. Verona. Coach house.**

**ARTHUR**

Finally! The coach! Now, we hadst better wend back to merry London.

Perchance thither we wilt beest able to findeth a way out of this odious dream.

**ALFRED**

But Arthur, we cannot leaveth thus. Romeo and Juliet art still doomed.

**ARTHUR**

Tis as is meant to be.

We do know not what wilt befall if we interfere in this tragic tale.

We do know not whither we art or how we came by hither.

If 't be true this sorcery, how do we know that we do not unwrite the Bard's own visions?

**ALFRED**

Arthur... they art but children...

_ARTHUR is silent._

I pray thee, please?

**ARTHUR**

Fine, fine!

We shalt fly back for those folk.

I pray that we do not doom ourselves in the process.

Exeunt.

**SCENE V. A churchyard; in it a tomb belonging to the Capulets.**

_ALFRED and ARTHUR enter, armed with swords_

**ALFRED**

Oh cool! I has't a sword!

**ARTHUR**

That is _not _cool. 't means that we wilt likely useth 't.

Now, I know not how we wend back to the coach house!

Nev'r should I has't listened to thee!

**ALFRED**

Wait, I hear something. Hide!

_ALFRED and ARTHUR retire. ROMEO and PARIS enter._

**PARIS**

Stop thy unhallow'd toil, vile Montague!

Can vengeance be pursued further than death?

Condemned villain, I do apprehend thee:

Obey, and go with me; for thou must die.

**ROMEO**

I must indeed; and therefore came I hither.

Good gentle youth, tempt not a desperate man;

Fly hence, and leave me: think upon these gone;

Let them affright thee. I beseech thee, youth,

Put not another sin upon my head,

By urging me to fury: O, be gone!

By heaven, I love thee better than myself;

For I come hither arm'd against myself:

Stay not, be gone; live, and hereafter say,

A madman's mercy bade thee run away.

**PARIS**

I do defy thy conjurations,

And apprehend thee for a felon here.

**ROMEO**

Wilt thou provoke me? then have at thee, boy!

_They fight_

**ARTHUR**

Ah! I know now whither we art in the play.

**ALFRED**

Good, because I hath lost the thread.

**PARIS**

O, I am slain!

_Falls_

If thou be merciful,

Open the tomb, lay me with Juliet.

_Dies_

**ROMEO**

In faith, I will. Let me peruse this face.

Mercutio's kinsman, noble County Paris!

What said my man, when my betossed soul

Did not attend him as we rode? I think

He told me Paris should have married Juliet:

Said he not so? or did I dream it so?

Or am I mad, hearing him talk of Juliet,

To think it was so? O, give me thy hand,

One writ with me in sour misfortune's book!

I'll bury thee in a triumphant grave;

A grave? O no! a lantern, slaughter'd youth,

For here lies Juliet, and her beauty makes

This vault a feasting presence full of light.

Death, lie thou there, by a dead man interr'd.

**ARTHUR**

Wait! The lady is not dead!

**ROMEO**

Thee again! Has't thou cometh to mock me in mine grief!

**ALFRED**

No, the lady truly is not dead!

The lady tooketh a potion that would giveth that lady the comeliness of death, without being felled in its maw.

_BALTHAZAR comes forward_

**BALTHAZAR**

What sorcery is this? Who art thee that knoweth this?

**ARTHUR**

Ah! I forgot that that gent wast thither.

**ALFRED**

Thy mind is like a candle burnt in its fusty age, Arthur.

_Enter, at the other end of the churchyard, FRIAR LAURENCE, with a lantern, crow, and spade_

**FRIAR LAURENCE**

Saint Francis be my speed! how oft to-night

Have my old feet stumbled at graves! Who's there?

**ARTHUR**

Fie, hither is one that wilt tell the truth!

Holy one, telleth those folk of thy deception, lest both children beest lost this night.

**BALTHASAR**

Here's one, a friend, and one that knows you well.

Of these other two, I knoweth not.

**ALFRED**

Friends as well. Sirrah Pastor-

**FRIAR LAURENCE**

Friar.

**ALFRED**

_Whatever_. Tell Romeo that Juliet tooketh a potion that only maketh that lady catch but a wink.

Behold, the lady wakes!

_JULIET wakes._

**JULIET**

Romeo? Oh Romeo!

**ROMEO**

Juliet!

_ROMEO and JULIET embrace._

**ARTHUR**

I feel an ill wind coming from this.

**ALFRED**

I care not. Our mission is done. On to Padua, right?

**ARTHUR**

Then Venice. Then England, then home. God help us.

**ROMEO**

Wait! Valorous sirs, alloweth us to travel with thee.

**ARTHUR**

_[Taken aback] _Thee jest, surely.

**JULIET**

We wilt nev'r beest safe hither, kind sirs.

If thou has't done this much for us, please aid us further still.

**ALFRED**

Arthur? Tis only to Padua. ...How far is Padua?

**ARTHUR**

Far enough. No, Romeo, Juliet. We has't done too much already. We bid thee a good luck upon thy escape.

**ROMEO**

Wait! We can payeth thee.

I mean no offense, but thou has't the visage of men of modest means.

We can payeth for thy travel, food, lodging. Thee sail to England, aye?

I can help thee find passage to thy homeland.

_ARTHUR and ALFRED examine their pockets._

**ALFRED**

That sounds like an excellent idea. What sayeth thee, Arthur?

**ARTHUR**

Very well. We shalt take thee upon thy offer.

Cometh, allow us to depart. To Padua.

_Exeunt._


	2. The Two Gentlemen of Verona

**ACT 2**

**SCENE I. The frontiers of Mantua. A forest.**

_Enter ALFRED, ARTHUR, ROMEO and JULIET_

**ARTHUR**

How couldst thou pick a mortal arbitrament

with the coachman, thou buffoon!

**ALFRED**

A punishment richly deserv'd!

He spake things most foul about merry England.

**ARTHUR**

From whence thee dost not rightly hail!

Thou hast a terrible sickness to taketh the

mantle of hero when one hast nay ne'd of one!

**ROMEO**

Tis commendable thee art such steadfast friends, but

I doth not bethink we art on the road to Padua any longer.

**JULIET**

Romeo, I fear this uncertain wood.

Thither may beest bandits beyond the green curtains.

**ROMEO**

Fear not, I shalt protect thee as long as there is breath in mine body.

**JULIET**

Oh Romeo.

**ALFRED**

_[Aside to ARTHUR] _How long shalt these young lovers keepeth to this poetic line?

Their sweet sycophantic verse offendeth mine ears.

**ARTHUR**

Wast 't not for thine actions, those young doves would beest in the

immortal realm by now and thee would hadst not heareth of 't.

_Enter certain outlaws_

**Third Outlaw**

Throw us that thou hast about thee:

If not: we'll make thee sit and rifle thee.

**ARTHUR**

Oh no.

**JULIET**

Romeo, we are undone; these are the villains

that all the travellers do fear so much.

**ALFRED**

_[Aside to ARTHUR]_ Dost thou recognize this play?

**ARTHUR**

Indeed, I do. I fear we hath inadvertently interfered once more

as we four hath taken the place of virtuous Valentine and Speed!

**ROMEO**

Step aside you curs, lest thee taste the sting of mine steel.

**ARTHUR**

Peace! Peace! My friends-

Know that we art but travelers who flee Verona,

our fortunes malaligned as young lovers cross'd.

These newlyweds wish only sanctuary away

from the dagger'd web their sires spun for them.

**First Outlaw**

What, were you banish'd thence?

**ROMEO**

I was.

**Second Outlaw**

For what offence?

**ROMEO**

For that which now torments me to rehearse:

I kill'd a man, whose death I much repent;

Bu t yet I slew him manfully in fight,

Without false vantage or base treachery.

**First Outlaw**

Why, ne'er repent it, if it were done so.

But were you banish'd for so small a fault?

**ROMEO**

I was, and held me glad of such a doom

**Second Outlaw**

Hath thee the tongues?

**JULIET**

My studies therein made me happy, good sirs,

Or else I often had been miserable.

**ARTHUR**

Wouldst thou commit such an uncivil outrage

as to act violently with a lady in our midst, for I

sense that thou hast gentlemanly blood as well.

**ALFRED**

_[Aside]_ What game playeth he?

**Third Outlaw**

Aye, tis true, that some of us are gentlemen,

Such as the fury of ungovern'd youth

Thrust from the company of awful men:

I, myself was from Verona banish'd

For practising to steal away a lady,

An heir, and near allied unto the duke.

**Second Outlaw**

And I from Mantua, for a gentleman,

Who, in my mood, I stabb'd unto the heart.

**JULIET**

Ay, me!

**First Outlaw**

And I for such like petty crimes as these,

But to the purpose-for we cite our faults,

That they may hold excus'd our lawless lives;

And partly, seeing thou art beautified

With goodly shape and by thy own report

A linguist and men of such perfection

As we do in our quality much want-

**Second Outlaw**

Indeed, because thou art banish'd men and maiden,

Therefore, above the rest, we parley to thee:

Art thou content to be of our consort?

To make a virtue of necessity

And live, as we do, in this wilderness?

**First Outlaw**

But if thou scorn our courtesy, thou diest.

**Third Outlaw**

Thou shalt not live to brag what we have offer'd.

**ARTHUR**

We take thy offer and will live with thee,

Provided that thou doth no outrages

On silly women or poor passengers.

**Third Outlaw**

No, we detest such vile base practises.

Come, go with us, we'll bring thee to our crews,

And show thee all the treasure we have got,

Which, with ourselves, all rest at thy dispose.

_Exit outlaws, ROMEO and JULIET._

**ALFRED**

Arthur, what hast thou done!

Dost thou liken thyself to a bandit king?

**ARTHUR**

Thy protests fall on deaf ears,

for I remember times of strife when thou

doth not revile such shadowed practice.

**ALFRED**

Fie, but I hadth fought for my very right of rule!

Must thou unearth bitter memories at every turn?

I care only how thou planeth to free us from this snare.

**ARTHUR**

Husht, Alfred. Grant me leave to tell:

Since we hast stumbled upon sir Valentine's line,

it followeth that the gentleman of Verona is nigh.

We shalt travel with these folk and find the gent,

restoring this tune to its proper chord.

Now come, ere we art miss'd.

_Exeunt_

**SCENE II. Another part of the forest.**

_Enter ROMEO and ALFRED_

**ROMEO**

Whither might this Valentine beest? We has't

searched the world and hath found 't lacking.

**ALFRED**

I doth knoweth not, but fear not.

Arthur wilt protect Juliet in thy absence.

He hath a way with rogues, though he'd

nev'r admit 't. Though I wonder hast thou

ev'r heard of this gentleman of Verona

from whence thee hail?

**ROMEO**

I knoweth that gent not. However,

Arthur describes Valentine as a common

man seeking his fortune. Tis likely our

paths has't simply nev'r crossed.

**ALFRED  
**Hold. I hear voices. Let us withdraw

ourselves and spy upon this party.

_Enter PROTEUS, SILVIA, and JULIA_

**PROTEUS**

Madam, this service I have done for you,

Though you respect not aught your servant doth,

To hazard life and rescue you from him

That would have forced your honour and your love;

Vouchsafe me, for my meed, but one fair look;

A smaller boon than this I cannot beg

And less than this, I am sure, you cannot give.

**ROMEO**

_[Aside to ALFRED]_ Beest these the folk that Arthur seeks?

**ALFRED**

Nay, twas two men, not one and two of the fairer sex.

**ROMEO**

Two? I see but one lady.

**ALFRED  
**Art thou blind? Forsooth, the slight one

in pantaloons beest a maiden.

**ROMEO**

Why, tis true! Tis as laughable as a pig with wings.

Thou wilt nev'r see mine fair Juliet debase her

honor in such an unladylike fashion.

**ALFRED**

_[Aside]_ How now more than ever

I miss mine own world.

**SILVIA**

O miserable, unhappy that I am!

**PROTEUS**

Unhappy were you, madam, ere I came;

But by my coming I have made you happy.

**SILVIA**

By thy approach thou makest me most unhappy.

**JULIA**

_[Aside] _And me, when he approacheth to your presence.

**SILVIA**

Had I been seized by a hungry lion,

I would have been a breakfast to the beast,

Rather than have false Proteus rescue me.

O, Heaven be judge how I love Valentine,

Whose life's as tender to me as my soul!

And full as much, for more there cannot be,

I do detest false perjured Proteus.

Therefore be gone; solicit me no more.

**PROTEUS**

What dangerous action, stood it next to death,

Would I not undergo for one calm look!

O, 'tis the curse in love, and still approved,

When women cannot love where they're beloved!

**SILVIA**

When Proteus cannot love where he's beloved.

Read over Julia's heart, thy first best love,

For whose dear sake thou didst then rend thy faith

Into a thousand oaths; and all those oaths

Descended into perjury, to love me.

Thou hast no faith left now, unless thou'dst two;

And that's far worse than none; better have none

Than plural faith which is too much by one:

Thou counterfeit to thy true friend!

**PROTEUS**

In love

Who respects friend?

**SILVIA**

All men but Proteus.

**PROTEUS**

Nay, if the gentle spirit of moving words

Can no way change you to a milder form,

I'll woo you like a soldier, at arms' end,

And love you 'gainst the nature of love,-force ye.

**SILVIA**

O heaven!

**PROTEUS**

I'll _force thee yield_ to my desire.

**ALFRED**

Ruffian, let go that rude uncivil touch!

**ROMEO**

Thou art friend of an ill fashion!

**ALFRED**

_[Aside to ROMEO]_ _That _is thy woe?

Not that he was about to commit

a violent act against a lady?

**ROMEO**

But of course, that too. Yet this

fiend commits a sin most treacherous

to seek the love of his close cousin.

**SILVIA**

Clearly, a cousin not so close.

**PROTEUS**

Thee knaves has't no business

interfering in mine love. Have at thee!

_They fight. ROMEO stabs PROTEUS in the stomach. PROTEUS falls._

**JULIA**

No! Proteus, my love. No!

**PROTEUS**

How! Julia!

**JULIA**

Behold her that gave aim to all thy oaths,

And entertain'd 'em deeply in her heart.

How oft hast thou with perjury cleft the root!

O Proteus, let this habit make thee blush!

Be thou ashamed that I have took upon me

Such an immodest raiment, if shame live

In a disguise of love:

It is the lesser blot, modesty finds,

Women to change their shapes than men their minds.

**PROTEUS**

Than men their minds! 'tis true.

O heaven! were man

But constant, he were perfect. That one error

Fills him with faults; makes him run through all the sins:

Inconstancy falls off ere it begins.

What is in Silvia's face, but I may spy

More fresh in Julia's with a constant eye?

**ALFRED**

Hold. Didst that fellow not recognize his first love?

Is his mind feeble or his soul?

**ROMEO**

How is one to telleth when the lady wears such a habit?

**ALFRED**

That should not maketh the difference!

**PROTEUS**

Julia, I feel my time draw near.

Lay thy hand upon mine and

give me comfort undeserv'd.

Silvia, sweet lady, forgive me

my trespasses and take mine

dearest Julia under thy wing.

**SILVIA**

I shalt.

**JULIA**

Oh, Proteus!

_PROTEUS dies._

**ALFRED**

I doth bethink not such events wast to befall this play.

_Enter ARTHUR and JULIET._

**ARTHUR**

We has't escaped the outlaws, so there beest no need to find-

What in God's name hath happened? Whose still form lies thither?

**ROMEO**

A cousin, a lover inconstant, Proteus.

Sweet Juliet, may I beest struck down

ere I forget the love I has't for thee.

**ARTHUR**

What? What!

**ALFRED**

Twas not I.

**ARTHUR**

Fie, no, no! Ominous enough that dead men shalt walk, but thou turn comedy to tragedy!

**ALFRED**  
If 't be true tis a comedy, tis not a very good one.

SILVIA

How now, gentlemen. I wilt thank thee for thy appearance.

However, now we art alone, lost in the woods without escort.

May we entreat upon thee further to aid us in our plight?

**ROMEO**

Of course, sweet nymphs.

't would beest unmanly to leaveth thee so.

**ARTHUR**

And _now_ we collect players like strays.

**ROMEO**

Travel with us to Padua, thereupon thou shalt find safe passage to thy journey's end.

_Exit ROMEO, JULIET, SILVIA and JULIA._

**ALFRED**

There's few or none will entertain a thought to Valentine?

Whatever came of the gentleman of Verona?

**ARTHUR**

I knoweth not, but I fear the answer wilt chill me to my marrow.

Cometh dear boy. At least we still has't each other.

_Exeunt._


End file.
